After zonic and Zeus’ book hit the shelves this year, we started wondering whether maybe all the other pros had their retirement plans completely wrong. Instead of becoming a desk analyst at an event, a coach for a team, or getting some management job at an organisation - all these newly retired players should look to become the next Stephen King. Although we’re talking autobiographies, not weird horror stories about Major scheduling and weapon balancing.
So without further ado, here’s our top 5 of professional CS players we think should pick up the quill and ink.
Yes, you heard it right; TaZ. You know, that one Virtus.pro player everybody seems to have forgotten about. Well we’ve been told that back in the day he used to lead the Polish super team - to great success - managing to add a major win to his belt. It might sound pretty s1mple, but even for some of the best players in the history of the game, not choking on liquids in the semis is pretty c0mplex. A perfect example of a natural born leader, who knows how to bring the best out of his players, but above all knows a thing or two about fairplay. Familiar with all kinds of tricks - we suspect him of being sponsored by ACME - the man has got it all, which is what we want to read about. A driving manual for a plow is probably what we’ll have when he’s done.
The bearded Brazilian Godfather of Counter-Strike is our second player on the list. Having lead his team to two major wins, and still managing to get a respectable rating at his 28 years of age, we’re not surprised that people call him CS’ Don Corleone. Although his recent team’s performance has fallen from grace a bit, and some say his tactics are outdated, he is still one of the most respected players and leaders CS:GO has to offer. Not only that, but him and the fer - TACO - coldzera core put a relatively small Brazilian CS:GO scene back on the map. They also put Harry Porra on the map, but we’d rather forget that. If you ask us, the flashy awper with the big brain certainly won’t struggle with putting words on paper. Let’s just hope it’s not all about how he almost had s1mple on his team. We wouldn't complain about a chapter co-authored by Bad FalleN either. Even when he's bad he's good.
With the amount of experience this lurker has, there’s not much GeT_RiGhT can get wrong if he were to write a book. Having a career spanning the better part of two decades does give you a lot to write about, especially if you played on NiP. Better start paying that hush money soon... A 1.6 legend and a CS:GO legend, from the golden generation of Swedish players, Christopher Ålesund would surely make a good author name. Not only is he considered one of the best players in the game, but he also managed to be terrifyingly good whilst being plagued by a chronic illness, which has given him a place in all of our hearts. That’s why we think the not-yet-retired Ninja should drop the cozy pyjamas and set up his typewriter. Only thing we’re not sure of, is if it’s worth reading past the 87th page.
This Danish powerhouse is not only good with the game, he’s also good with words. Speaking multiple languages gives you a great advantage as a CS player, but also when you want to write a book. The more languages, the more sales right? Besides leading a NiKo centered superteam and some of the greatest Danish players known to date - who went on to win 4 majors, which was totally because of him, obviously - he also managed to acquire a dual Master's Degree in business administration and auditing from Copenhagen Business School. Respect. In fact, the man is so good at leading, that he doesn’t even need to be in the same room as his team to win a tournament. From choking a 15-11 lead in a Major final to winning a tournament whilst going through airport security. Now that’s what you call a redemption arc.
Before we reveal our final pick, we first want to go through some of the players that could’ve made it in this list, but we unfortunately had to kick from our main roster of autobiographical writers. We wouldn’t be able to call it TL;DR if we’d kept them, would we?
NBK: Having gone from Bieber-hair youngster to respected leader and player, NBK always seems to find himself at the epicenter of French drama, which we’d love to read about. Although we could also just buy the most recent edition of The Sun.
gla1ve: The only thing we think gla1ve is missing for him to write a book is the fact that his career hasn’t quite ended yet. The player is in the middle of his era, so now’s the time to get that writing material. Once he’s finished, we will gladly pick his writings up. The guy’s desk slams are absolutely legendary in the Danish LAN scene, and we’re quite interested in the quality of gaming tables here at TL;DR.
pronax: The Swedish godly in-game leader with three Major titles is one of the other players we’d like to see use a pen somewhere in the future. Mainly being so that we can learn how to be a dedicated bottom-fragger on a tier 1 team. There’s still hope for some of us…
steel: Getting called “best IGL in NA” is a title some of us would happily flaunt, and something we’d love to read about more, despite his tournament ban. It would also be a great how-to on what NOT to do when trying to cover up some match fixing. Damn those pesky skins…
chrisJ: We’re not going to lie, this list wouldn’t be complete without a bit of personal bias. All we need to know from Chris’ reading sessions is how the Wolf of Wall Street managed to get out of the Benelux scene so well. We suspect it has something to with homegrown plants and a comfy bench.
All right, with those out of the way, let’s get back to business. Here’s our final pick for our top 5:
This list would be missing two players if we didn’t include Señor VAC himself. If it hadn’t been for flusha’s wholesomeness, FalleN wouldn’t have had the money to play his first big event. Thus showing us that he’s not only a nice guy, but knows a good player when he sees one. Being one of the few players to have 3 major wins on his resume, he’s not someone we could leave out. It’s also because he’s the main star of the r/VACsucks subreddit of course.
Alongside this, the Swedish madman also has a Major MVP. These are some of the many reasons why we won’t be flushing away his manuscript anytime soon. Having recently made his comeback from a less happy time of his life, the Swede is back in full swing and hungry for more. But once he decides pwning n00bs isn’t entertaining enough anymore, we hope he’ll be inclined to work the wonders of literature. Let’s hope there’s a chapter on how to use wallhacks on LAN too, we’re going to need it.
Well, that wraps up our top picks. If you liked them - or just want to give us your well respected opinion - share this blog post with your totally physically real online friends. Did you like our style? Then make sure to check out our other blog posts, and subscribe to our newsletter for more like this.